by Greg Anderson
Several years ago, a church member asked to meet with me. We scheduled a time and sat down in my office. I didn’t know the reason for the meeting. Our interactions had always been positive—so I had no reason to expect what came next.
After a few minutes of exchanging pleasantries, he began making all sorts of accusations about my actions and intentions related to an event that had occurred over a year earlier. He attacked my methods, my message, and my character without allowing me an opportunity to better understand what he was referring to.
I sat there stunned. His words were sharp, and his tone made it clear he wasn’t interested in dialogue — he wanted to vent. My first instinct was to defend myself, to interrupt and correct the record. But something in me paused. I sensed that this moment wasn’t just about me — it was about how I would respond.
So, I listened.
Not passively, but purposefully and prayerfully.
Quietly, I asked God for wisdom, for patience, and for the ability to see beyond the accusations to the driving factors behind them. As he spoke, I began to realize that his frustration wasn’t entirely about me. It was rooted in deeper hurts, unmet expectations, and what appeared to be past wounds that had never healed; wounds that far preceded my time at the church.
When he finished, I thanked him for sharing. I acknowledged his feelings and calmly let him know I did not agree with his conclusions. I asked clarifying questions, not to challenge him, but to understand him. I printed off past emails that brought clarity to the accusations and presented a very different version of his account. He said, “I don’t need to look at those,” and tossed them on the floor beside his chair. Ironically, his response brought me peace. Why? Because it became clear he wasn’t seeking truth — he was seeking control. And at that moment, I chose to listen yet not carry the weight of his pain.
The conversation ended – without resolution to his satisfaction, but it did end with me speaking truth within a framework of deep-level listening. In addition, I knew his accusations were not based in truth, so I was able to let him vent his pain, anger, and hurt while not taking on the toxic yoke he attempted to place on me. And it reminded me again of a principle I’ve heard before: Grace in conflict isn’t weakness — it’s strength under control.
Lessons for Church Leaders
- Pause Before Reacting
Our instinct is often to self-defend, but leadership calls us to listen first. A “fruit of the Spirit” response (kind, patient, loving, good, etc.) can de-escalate even the most heated confrontation. - Conflict isn’t a contest. It’s an opportunity to build trust, even when there’s strong disagreement.Seek Understanding, Not Victory
Conflict isn’t a contest. It’s an opportunity to build trust, even when there’s strong disagreement. In the body of Christ, we are not about villains or victims, and at the end of the day, we are about one primary victor – and his name is Jesus. - Lead with Humility
You don’t have to have all the answers. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can say is, “Help me understand.” If we offer the opportunity, we must then be prepared to allow the other person to do just that without letting our emotions rise or by practicing one-upmanship. - Model the Grace We Preach
Our congregations watch how we as leaders handle adversity. Regardless of what is being said, may our response reflect the heart of Jesus. And remember, extending grace doesn’t erase conflict—but it can transform how we walk through it.
It is important for leaders to understand that no matter how gifted we are, no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we know, learn, or practice, there will always be people who disagree with us. That is why we must always be prepared to embrace the words of Paul, who writes in 1 Corinthians 4:12-13, “When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly.”
These interactions are rarer these days. Generally, it is easier to attack from afar via social media. But even then, we can ask, “Who is my (online) neighbor?” and use the same measure of grace we would extend to others as if sitting face to face.
Yours in Christ Jesus,
Greg Anderson (Ed.D.)
President, Midland Christian School
Assistant Director, Doctorate of Ministry Program, Lipscomb University
About the Author
Greg has over 30 years of ministry experience in Churches of Christ. He is the President of Midland Christian School, serves as a non-profit leadership development specialist, and has facilitated hundreds of workshops for cities, counties, and other non-profit organizations throughout the United States.
In May 2017, Greg completed his Doctorate in Organizational Leadership at Pepperdine University in Malibu, California. He and his wife Dalene live in Midland, Texas.
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