by Amanda Box and Jerry Neill
Ahhhhh, conflict on a ministry team,
the unexpected team-building exercise nobody signed up for, but everyone has to survive;- because even people who agree on eternal salvation can disagree about continuing to print a bulletin or going entirely digital;
- when two or more are gathered in His name… there’s a good chance someone’s feelings are going to get hurt in an elders’ meeting;
- where the fruits of the Spirit are tested by the church ladies and the sound system.
I couldn’t help but laugh at the one-liners that ChatGPT generated for me regarding church staff conflict. However, when I was experiencing my own church staff conflict a few years ago, I wasn’t laughing. These types of conflict are difficult, draining, and often the reason ministers leave church families and sometimes leave ministry entirely. Conflict can leave bruises, regrets, and more questions than answers.
Because of the intense fallout and impressive failures that we’ve all experienced, my former colleague Jerry and I teamed up to share our experience and lessons learned. We worked together from 2010 to 2013, but our families had been good friends since 2006. Jerry was the preaching minister, and I was the children’s minister. You can relax, there were no moral failures or appalling corruption, just plain-o interpersonal conflict. We hope that we can help others outsmart a great deal of conflict. We know that when conflict is handled properly, it can produce some amazing results. With this article, we offer our perspectives, regrets, and lessons learned, so that others may learn to behave with more skill and wisdom.
Article overview
- How did we get to this point?
- Jerry
- Amanda
- What actions did we take to try to resolve things?
- Jerry
- Amanda
- What do we wish we had done differently?
- Jerry
- Amanda
- Lessons Learned
- Jerry
- Amanda
How did we get to this point?
Jerry
Our system was set up for failure in multiple ways. Our actual polity did not operate in line with the titles and descriptions of our roles, although my awareness of this was limited. The way we processed and communicated decisions was haphazard. And recent history haunted our functioning. One of my first challenges as senior minister was to help define a position for a staff member who had recently transitioned to new assignments, many of which he didn’t seem willing or able to manage. Despite bringing in a consultant to help, things did not end well. The way he departed caused much pain for all of us. Certainly, this created doubt, uncertainty, and a desire to avoid such pain again.
Personally, I had an immature understanding of how to navigate conflict and how anxiety worked in a system. And of course, I had my own issues that handcuffed my functioning, chiefly a need for approval from others and to be perfect.
When Amanda came on board, I and perhaps some others had fixed understandings of what her role would look like. We were navigating some burnout and uneasiness with another staff member, and hoped that part of Amanda’s work might provide some relief. I don’t remember ever clearly sharing with Amanda how I was envisioning this role, and what we hoped to accomplish. After all, we had a job description that made sense to me. We were trying to align staff to avoid the very problems we had experienced before, with the assumption that a great flow chart would solve our problems. I doubt there was much agreement or understanding on what our problems really were. I think anxiety over our standing with the elders was also impacting our perspectives. Amanda came into a role with multiple expectations from me, the elders, and the youth minister with whom she worked most closely. We eventually got to a place of frustration, misunderstanding, and conflict.
Amanda
Year 1 – I took the children’s minister job. The current youth minister and I worked really well together as ministry partners– philosophy events, practices. We went to great lengths for months with a committee to make decisions about how we were going to move forward. What we didn’t do well was communicate the changes to the rest of the leadership team or the church at large.
Year 2– I became pregnant at age 42, the very hardest thing I ever, ever, ever had to face, ever. My husband was hanging on to his job by a thread; we expected him to be fired. We owned two houses. Multiple staff changes occurred, including hiring a new youth minister.
Year 3– I thought we were rocking along pretty well until I had my performance review, conducted by another staff member, not Jerry. I seriously considered quitting at that point. A few minutes after the review, I went back and very clearly shared my thoughts on that. I was defensive and angry; my experience of that performance review was quite negative. So, although I’m sure there were more irritations on Jerry’s part before that, this performance review opened my eyes to the intense disapproval. At that point, it was clear that our approaches/expectations were really off about what should happen in children’s ministry. For example, instead of scheduling tons of children’s activities, I was trying to simplify a family’s life and shift the spiritual teaching to the parents. I reached out to an elder to get some clarity on our philosophy for children’s ministry. That’s when the elders did some restructuring, and no one had a direct supervisor. I didn’t ask for that, nor did I expect/want that. Elders made that call. When Jon, from Hope Network Ministries, came to work with us, I found out that Jerry and others assumed I had asked for this change and, of course, can understand why that didn’t go down well.
After that, I felt dismissed, mostly invisible. Later, Jerry told me that he was instructed to back off, but I just felt the rejection. I was horrified and embarrassed that elders were brought in because my work was being questioned. I was baffled why we weren’t functioning better together as a staff, and I am just now really understanding Jerry’s frustrations with other staff members and some of the internal issues. I fully expected that we would be in conflict at multiple points when working together, but couldn’t find a way to achieve a resolution. I expected criticism from church members, but not the internal staff conflict.
Lack of alignment, ineffective communication, and unfulfilled expectations were really big culprits here, leading to this conflict between Jerry and me. Broader issues with the elders and other staff members were hidden contributors as well.
What actions did we take to try to resolve things?
Jerry
I didn’t have the capacity or maturity at that time to gather our staff together and help us all to listen well to each other, collaborate on a new beginning, or be aware of how other parts of our system might be affecting our functioning. I felt frustrated about the tension and misunderstanding, but didn’t consider how much of the problem came from my behavior. I remember Amanda approaching me and wanting to talk through things, particularly as it related to our relationship. I was uncomfortable, wanted to avoid a direct and difficult conversation, and held back on being honest and vulnerable. I was not brave.
Amanda
In my mind, I tried multiple times to talk with Jerry. Overall, I remember going into hyperdrive, working harder, trying to be positive, helpful, cooperative, likable, during staff meetings or when we were together…. I guess I thought that eventually, we would all get over it and be friends again. After a while, I had plenty to keep me busy, so I just accepted that collaboration wasn’t going to happen and put my energy into other places.
In 2013, Jon Mullican from Hope Network Ministries came to work with our staff. That was a huge breakthrough for me. He was the first one who asked me any questions at all. I remember that he asked me if I thought Jerry was sexist, haha. I didn’t and didn’t experience him that way. Full disclosure, I just thought Jerry didn’t approve of how I was doing my job, and that he didn’t like me. People who work together don’t have to be friends, but we were really good friends before, so that was hard. Jon helped us have the conversations we needed to have and provided the structure for us to resolve things. I felt that we did that effectively. By that time, Jerry had already announced that he was taking another job.
Jerry
Jon helped us have some difficult conversations. We listened to each other. He helped me see my immature behavior. I was able to hear how things looked from Amanda’s perspective. Resolution and healing did occur, and that intervention changed my understanding. There were still some things I needed to own up to and apologize for, like my lack of being forthright with Amanda, and I held some of that back. But going forward, I vowed to develop greater skills for being with people and prayed for more courage.
What we wish we had done differently
Jerry
If I could climb into a time machine and go back, I would sit down with Amanda and facilitate an open, honest, and vulnerable conversation(s). I would first listen to what she was experiencing, feeling, and understanding. I would want clarity on her perspectives, approaches, and motivations. I would try to understand the challenges of this season in her ministry and life. I would invite Amanda to speak into my functioning for both good and bad. I would also be courageous about narrating my perspective, holding it loosely, and making it available for correction. I would be curious about her thoughts on how to go forward. Honesty, openness, confession, and prayer would rule.
Amanda
I appreciate the things Jerry wrote here, and I have the same list. I sincerely tried to do some of these things, but wasn’t successful. I think my own contributions are something I should have considered more. I understood some things at the time, but hindsight is always clearer.
- This was my first official ministry job, so I was ignorant of elder/staff dynamics. I just expected us to work well together, and that was naive. I’m not sure what all was going on between Jerry and the elders, or even the anxiety in the system, but Jerry took another job, so there’s that. I understand that ministry jobs have shelf lives; Jerry explained to me why he needed to leave; his reasons were valid.
- Looking back, I’m not sure I communicated that I loved my job and really wanted to work with this staff specifically. I didn’t take that job as a filler or because I couldn’t find anything else. I was there because I wanted to be and stayed 11 years. But during/after the conflict, it seemed like that was questioned.
- The pregnancy was a huge factor in 2011. I’m not sure how that affected others’ willingness to approach me, but I’m sure it did. After the baby was born in 2011, I was overall in a much better place, but maybe I could have been more approachable. I remember when Jon was there working with us, and someone said I was defensive. That made me so mad, but it was true. I still have to work on that, ALL the time. I’m sure that didn’t help my approachability. In my mind, I had tried really hard to resolve things and to be a good team player, but it seemed to me that people had lots of opinions but weren’t interested in my efforts.
- Another contribution was my nontraditional schedule. I was working like a madwoman, logging lots and lots of hours, but many were outside the traditional business day, working after the baby went to bed or on weekends when I had free babysitters. I lived so close that it was easy for me to go up to the building at night or work on things at home. I was picking up a little consulting to pay bills. My sick days had to go for five people. I know those things affected my credibility. This was pre-COVID, and others couldn’t see all the hours I was working, and it never occurred to me that my non-traditional schedule contributed to distrust, since I was accomplishing everything I needed to.
Lessons Learned
Jerry
I’ve learned how anxiety concerning false needs of approval, validation, perfection, or control can and did impede my ability to work through conflict in a productive way. Healthy ministry begins with my availability to put others’ interests up front: to empower, cheer, encourage, and deeply care about those with whom I serve. Honesty in both soft and hard conversations is a key to relational well-being. Truth and love have to work together. From my end, I must share the story in my head in a confessional spirit, stating its tenuous and biased nature. When people are anxious, unhappy with me, avoiding me, or even attacking me, I want to be curious about that. I want to gently initiate conversations and be quick to imagine that I may have said or done something that has affected our relationship.
Amanda and others have taught me how the commitment and practice of honesty and openness are crucial to benefiting from conflict. Amanda possessed the courage and desire to pursue needed conversations. This requires a responsibility to initiate conversations, curiosity about the perspectives and understandings of others, and genuineness in sharing my own perspectives while holding them tenuously and being open to pushback. Guarding the well-being of those in the conversation rather than protecting my own image opens the way for curiosity and understanding. There’s also a skill here that involves understanding one’s own motivations and anxieties, and then there’s the courage to name and expel those demons from the process.
Amanda
As I outlined above, I should have shown more humility in acknowledging my contributions to the situation: expectations, approachability, defensiveness, and credibility.
Listening is the game-changer. Since this conflict, I have worked so very hard to be an elite listener and less defensive; I’m still a work in progress, but far more self-aware.
One huge thing that I’ve learned is that people hardly ever disagree about specific outcomes; they disagree about “how” to accomplish the goal. Lack of alignment throughout our whole organization was a really big culprit for us, leading to misaligned expectations, assumptions, disengagement, and yes, communication problems.
While my conscience is clear about addressing issues directly, one-on-one, and without delay, the lesson I’m still learning is that conflict is just really hard, and the fear is paralyzing for people. Even back then, I understood that most people are not as extroverted and forthright as I am. Since I was initiating the conversations, I really expected that it would be enough for full resolution. It wasn’t. It kills me to know that I was sitting in Jerry’s office, feeling that we were doing everything required to achieve resolution, and he still didn’t feel safe enough to be honest. That never occurred to me; I guess I thought that if I was sincerely open to hearing the truth, it would be enough. The big lesson here for me is that I was making some big assumptions based upon my own experience, comfort level, and expectations.
A few years after all this, Jerry called me. We talked for a while and revisited some of our experiences. I’ll always be grateful that he took the time to circle back and was seriously shocked when he chose to generously apologize. I was at peace and truly thought we had achieved full resolution before he left our staff. While I didn’t feel that he needed to apologize, it was incredibly validating; I believe that the apology fully healed our friendship.
Jerry
I’m grateful that Amanda and I work together for the same Lord, and that she loves this Jesus and his grace. When we serve with people who share that same love, it means even if we don’t handle conflict well at times, or respond immaturely, there’s still grace available. I can say, “Hey sis, I blew this, I wish I would have been better, you deserved better. I’m sorry.” And she says, “I forgive you- I did a long time ago.” And we can go forward, better, together. She’s taught me how to be brave. It’s so worth it!
Conclusion
We pray that our experience of conflict, growth, and healing will help you achieve the same. Shalom.
About the Authors
Amanda Box – As the self-appointed communication evangelist and unleasher of the awesome, Amanda Box coaches ministers, volunteers, and professionals on all things communication as president of Box Communication, Inc. Amanda served Meadowbrook Church of Christ in Jackson, Mississippi, for 11 years in two different roles: children’s minister and connections minister. As connections minister, she worked with ministry leaders, small groups, and new members. Other career adventures include all things communication. Amanda has consulted with business and industry for over 20 years to equip people with improved communication skills in critical areas such as conflict, presentation skills, and team building. Additionally, Amanda was a full-time college professor for 10 years and spent four years as the public relations professional for a non-profit. Amanda earned her undergraduate degree in communication from Freed-Hardeman University in 1991 and a master’s degree in communication from Mississippi College in 1993. Amanda and her husband live in Austin, Texas.
Jerry Neill – Jerry has served in 5 different church families over 35 years and continues to love experiencing life and faith with other followers of Jesus. Learning and maturing in his understanding of self, others, and God remains a life-long quest. In the meantime he and his wife Linda have raised four boys and just finished a season sharing a home and care for elderly parents. They’re now considering getting a puppy while they figure out what it means to be in their 60’s, new empty-nesters, with no grandchildren in sight. On occasion Jerry now plays from the senior tees.
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